Saturday, April 14, 2007
11:21 pm
Just got back from the MLS Sentosa outing. Can't really say MLS since the people who sort of make up the core of it wasn't there. By core I mean the more prominent faces. Though I had fun with the guys swimming in the water, the outing was somewhat...mendak. At first playes some games reminiscent of during camp...but without the same feel of fun and laughter. Needless to say, it wouldn't be as fun if Syafiq, Hadi, Wak, Epin,Arep, Nazif, Yus, Ain and Lin wasn't there.
And this got me thinking...though I've actually been thinking about this for some time already. Ahmad, Faizul, Epin and Nazif are graduating and that means 4 less familiar faces gone. And for some reason, I know we'll be missing them. And also, Arep is moving school too and he surely be missed by all of us. To put it all in simple words, it'll be like this :
Nazif inspired me to be outgoing and crazy,
Epin inspired me to be a rockstar,
Ahmad inspired me to be spastic and fart all the time,
Arep inspired me to keep long hair
and
Faizul inspired me that being short and small doesn't mean you can't be big at the same time
and don't get me started on what good they did for MLS...if I do, I'd probably ran out of space here.
And I got a nasty shock yesterday. Was after solat Jumaat and was eating at KFC with Lin and we were talking about next academic year's MLS committee nominations. And I was laughing at Lin cos she got nominated. Don't ask me why I was laughing at her, somehow I find getting nominated for it was kinda funny. AND DON'T ASK ME WHY, I JUST THINK IT IS.
And was laughing at her when suddenly my phone rang. Look at the display and was shocked to see Faizul calling. By then, Lin was like..aiyooo u pun kene, aiyooo u pun kene.
I thought he was calling to just maybe ask where I was since we came back to school together but i disappeared when we reached Dover. But the reason he called was for....
Yes, I got nominated.
WHYYYYYYYYYYY MEEEEEEE???
ahahaha okie fine, I admit, even though I appear unwilling for it, I kinda feel honoured.
But still, I can't help thinking...why me?
I understand why Lin and Ain was nominated.
They were in committee for KEM Ilusi and for Lin's case in committee for Iftar, Darma and Ilusi.
But me?
When was I ever in committee sey?
Dunno eh..maybe because of my award-winning performance during Kem. ehehee.
But still, nomination jer perrr, nt confirm get.mwahahaha.
Anyways, Syukur Alhamdulillah for getting nominated.
=)
Andddddd...I've just been promoted to General from Commander..yahoooooo~
Ehh, please la, I'm the only known living person to properly execute a Spartan Last Stand Manuever and still win a battle even though I was outnumbered 3-to-1. ahahaha
Lucky? No, there's no such thing as Luck. There's only the Force.
=))
___~Why do I even bother...
Monday, March 26, 2007
9:51 pm
I deleted a post before this.
To some of you that have read it, good for you. But lets just put that thought away and act as if I never posted it in the first place.
For that post was written out of anger. And when someone is angry, they are prone to irrational thinking.
But the point is...
Some things aren't meant to be seen, read or know about. But if they are, then in time everything will be held forth...everything...
___~Why do I even bother...
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
12:00 pm
What do I do to ignore what's behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride away from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I let it go and try to stand it?
Or do I try to catch them red handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Cause I cant hold when I'm strecthed so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily facade but then
I just end up getting hurt again by myself
If I turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they’ll
Take from me till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer by myself
How do you think I’ve lost so much
I’m so afraid that I’m out of touch
How do you expect I will know what to do
When all I know is what you tell me to
Don't you know
I can't tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I just cant seem to convince myself why
I'm stuck on the outside...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Been dormant from blogging for these pass few days...erm...weeks. Was too busy wih kinda some stuffs. Though mostly was because I was kinda lazy to blog. Before this I've opened my blogger quite a few times (I'm using cross-posting, you see) but ended up closing it back cos I'm fresh put of ideas to post a meaningful...post. Well, see, there's loads of things which are somewhat bugging me right now. One of themis well, what I saw during Marshall Duty at Tampines Stadium. I was posted to jaga at the main entrance, which is coincidentally beside the Tampines Rovers home fans area. And throughout the match I saw Matreps, Minahreps, Mak Nyahs and of course, the infamous Cheerleaders-Tak-Menjadi...all in one area. And the thing that bugs me most is that ALL OF THEM ARE MALAYS.Yes, I should have been used to it by now looking that these Matrep and Minahrep epidemic is widespread here that its almost everywhere. And the bad thing is, they think they look good wearing like they do. Which means that a) They're blind or b) They have bad fashion taste or c) All of the above. Yeah, maybe o them, they really look good and after all, its all a question of taste, but when the whole world is laughing at what you're wearing, wouldn't it have hit your thick head that something is wrong??And their attitudes. Ok fine, its a stadium and a football match, meaning that expletives are widespread there (remember the famous B*** chant at Kallang?). But come on, there's limits. You're not being a fan if you're throwing expletives every few minutes or so just so that your friends think that you're funny or whatsoever. You're just being a nuisance. Oh wait, you already are.For the whole match, I just stood rooted there and face the pitch, cos I don;t want to get sore eyes by looking at them. Then, felt someone placing his hand on my shoulders and I turned, only to find myself face-to-face with Steven Tan. For those of you who don't know who Steven Tan is, he was a former international during Fandi Ahmad's era. A true legend, like Fandi himself, and not a phony legend like Baihakki Khaizan or Sharil Ishak or Khairul Amri (oh wait, Khairul IS a legend already). Steven Tan helped Singapore won the Malaysia Cup. What did Baihakki and Shahril do? Baihakki, who's defending skills, even if I were to say his defending skills are 1/4 of Aide's, its being too good to him. During the AFC Final, Baihakki and Shahril was a bystander in the match, and was largely unnoticed up to the point where Lionel Lewis cleared the ball only ofr the ball to go straight to Baihakki and hit his head hard. And after that, I saw Lionel gesturing wildly at him, probably angry at him for being and idiot and standing in front of someone trying to clear the ball.The other thing thats bugging me is well, the fact that some of my friends have been sort of emoing about their problems. And when I say emoing, I don't mean sitting by the beach or something cos there is totally nothing wrong in that, unless you into the water and drown yourself that is. What I'm referring to as emoing is the fact that some people mutilate themselves or overdose themselves with drugs (i'm not referring to anyone in particular here). I have absolutely no bloody idea why people like to do that. Some of those whom I asked why they do that claims they liked the feeling of adrenaline rushing through and thus, deflecting their thoughts from their problems.In other words, they're running away from their problems. Which is a stupid thing to do in my opinion. You can't run away from your problems. They'll just come after you. They're like wild dogs. Run away from them and the wild dogs won't respect you and chase after you like hell. Stand your ground and give them a good kick instead. You'll find that they'll just leave you alone after that.My point is work through your problems, don't run away from them. Nothing is thoroughly undoable. Its all in your head. Hell, I know this cos I've been through all these. But I went through it and emerge stronger than ever before.Picture a boy, lost in a world of hatred and pain. He wanders around not knowing how he got there when only a few minutes before, he was in a world of love and joy. It all came apart in one smooth move and here he is, wandering in a desolate place devoid of any colours nor happiness. As he wanders, he hears whispers in the dark. telling him that it is too late for him. That this is the end. But he is not to be hindered by tell-tale ghost whisperings. He wanders on till he came across a large broken glass mirror, whose broken fragments lies in a million pieces on the floor, glittering. Without thinking, without knowing why, the boy picked up a piece and placed it back. Somehow, in his heart (or what remains of it) he knows that he have to do this to get out of this place. He picked another and placed it back. The glass cuts into his skin but he went on, undettered by the pain.The whisperings became louder as he went. Louder and more vulgar, telling him to stop, telling him to give it up and somehow, intensifying the pain of the glass cutting. But he persevered on, not giving up despite the horrendous pain in his hands as every piece of glass takes away some of his blood. When he had put back almost half of the mirror, he made a fatal mistake. A mistake that caused all of the pieces to break apart yet again.The boy fell. Lying on the ground amidst the broken fragments, wondering what he did wrong, and what he did to deserve it. And that time, at that place, he almost gave up. Almost submit to the whisperings. It berrated him of his idiocy for trying to fix the mirror when it will just break again. The boy's defences are down. He did not saw this coming and it hit him..hard. His thoughts, his feelings turn cold, as cold as the whisperings themselves. But the whisperings could not touch one part of him. His HEART. For it is in there where his FAITH lies. And somehow, the flame of his faith was not put off by the whisperings.His faith relighted the HOPE in him and with hope, came LOVE. The boy stood back up, and with great resolve, defy the whisperings yet again. The whisperings became louder, more vulgar yet again and the pain sharpens. But this time, the boy was prepared for it. He faced the pain, but this time, not to fight it...but to embrace it. Pain and Love, one cannot exist without the other. And to embrace one, one has to embrace the other. He made pain his ally and he started working yet again. The whisperings intensify, trying to put him off his stride and intensify the pain, but the boy feels no pain, for to him, pain is only a distraction, and also a fuel to give him more resolve to finish the task before him. Soon, he was left with only a few pieces, and the whisperings are at its loudest. But the boy will not be broken. He refuse to be broken...Pain and love, one cannot exist without the other
To embrace one, you must embrace the other
- There is no emotion, there is peace.
- There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
- Through knowledge I gain strength
- Through strength, I gain power
- Through power, I gain victory
- And victory shall set me free
Remember, when all else fails, Faith, Hope and Love will pull you through everytime
Well, it does for me
=)
Confianza Esperanza Amor
___~Why do I even bother...
1:19 am
I promise to update tomorrow
or the day after
or the day after that
or the day after the day after that
or the day after the day after the day after that
Or easily said
When I feel like it
Which I think should be the day after the day after the day after the day after that.
oh wait...doesn't this count as updating too?
=)
___~Why do I even bother...
Monday, March 05, 2007
10:45 pm
Well, I hope the last post gave you readers some food for thought.
Just posting those thoughts flying around in my head.
Before we start,
HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY TO HILMI!!May the power of the Krat always be with you, my brother.
okie, its 1 day late..so what? Its the thought that counts...rite?
And oh yeah..6 more days to mine. ehehe
Well, yesterday was a nice day, no doubt about that.
Morning was madrasah, went there with Syafiq since Syafiqah was sick
Slept around 2 or so the night before since Syafiq couldnt sleep and he wanted to play Worms on my lappie.
So, without further ado, we played. ehehe
That explains why we woke up sort of late the next day.
After madrasah, which ends faster than normal due to unforeseen circumstances, went to Woodlands Interchange to meet *her. Wanted to creep up behind her and tahut2 kan, but she somehow knew I was coming.
The Force is strong in this one..hmmm..yes.Okie, enough with the Star Wars crap already.
Made our way to Bugis after that. In the train, saw that she's somewhat distracted.
And yeah, you people please stop asking me how I know when someone's got a problem or something even though that someone hides it, its just me. I just know, so don't ask.
Jedi Master la katerkan...STOP IT LA!!
okie okie, so in the train, saw her somewhat distracted
ask her many2 times she still say she's okie
Yeah, as if I'm convinced.
So, nebermind, perhaps its something she don't want to share
so, its okie with me
=)
Reached Bugis and walked around Bugis Junction searching for a shop but can't find it.
Head to Bugis Street next but still, search in vain
Finally went back to Bugis junction.
And cant make up our mind to either go bowl or go catch a movie.
In the end, made the wrong move to go catch a movie at marina Square.
Wrong, why? Cos found out that the movie we anted to watch was already screening..1/2 hours ago. Damn
So we just watch Norbit and it was damed hilarious. A must-watch for you comedy-junkies everywhere.
After the movie, just walked around The Esplanade.
Just walked and talked and eated..eh, ate.
And could see that she's thinking about some things.
So just leave her at it, don't want to disturb her train of thoughts.
After that, we make our way home.
Well, waddya know. A day well spent with *her.
=))
And before I go, this is a gentle reminder...
6 MORE DAYS TO GO!!!!!
yahooooo...
didnt noe anyone is this excited to be getting old.
hahah
___~Why do I even bother...
Sunday, March 04, 2007
10:53 pm
Darkness...
Reigns when light falters. Consumes when all defences are down. Engulfs when not fought.
But needless to say, fighting darkness is like fighting a losing battle. It can never be abated. For everytime you let your guard down, it comes back. Stronger still. The only way is not to fight it. But to accept it. It is in us. In our hearts, in our minds. It is never far. It is always lurking in the shadows, ready to strike when you defences are down.
The dark is generous.
Its first gift is concealment.
As our true faces lie in the facade darkness of our skin, our true hearts remained shadowed still.
But the greatest concealment comes not from protecting our secret truths. It is from hiding us from the truths of others.
The dark protects us from what we dare not know.Its second gift is comforting illusion.
The ease of gentle dreams in the night's embrace, the beauty of that imagination brings to us that will be repelled in day's harsh light.
But the greatest of its illusion is that the dark is temporary, that every night brings a new day.
Because it is day that is temporary.
Day is the illusion.Its second gift is the light itself.
Just like the days which are defined by the nights which divide them,
like stars are defined by the infinite black through which they wheel,
The dark embraces light and brings it forth from the centre of its own self
With each victory of the light, it is the dark which winsDarkness is patient.
It is darkness that seeds cruelty to justice, that drips contempt into compassion, that poisons love with grains of doubt.
The dark can be patient for even the slightest drop of rain will cause those seeds to sprout.
The rain will come and the seeds will sprout for the dark is the soil in which they grow.
Darkness waits behind the star which gave them light.
Its patience is infinite.
For even stars eventually burn out.Darkness always win.
For it is everywhere.
It is in the wood that burns in your hearth, in the kettle on the fire, under your chair, and under the sheets on your bed.
Walk in the mid-day sun and the dark is with you, attached to the soles of your feet.
The brightest light casts the darkest shadow.But fear not readers, the dark might be generous, patient and always wins.
But in the heart of darkness itself lies its weakness.
For one lone candle is enough to hold it back.
Love is more than a candle.
Love can ignite the stars...Ponder on this my readers. And may peace be with you all.
you have tried too hard to destroy what you deemed to be the darkness. in time, you have become the very thing you have tried to destroy
___~Why do I even bother...
Sunday, February 18, 2007
12:21 pm
The wicked EndMan's becoming more corrupt now
Godless, wicked and cruel
The soulless man stood silenced
Mariam's word rang so true
Chastisement worse than the flood
spread the word, its all true
Don't kill the messenger,please
As if we havn't swam enough in this world of misery
Voice your prophecy shed us some light
Feel sorrow for mankind's chance to survive
Swallowed lies and swimming in our own tears
A stab in the dark and it wounded our will
We won't be here tomorrow
Hold on to me for one last time
We've grown into the numbers
Six hundred sixty-six
War breaks a sign of the end
Eternally expelled
Look to the sky for knowledge
The stars aligned tonight
Eclipse and heaven shall fall
Now I know I've seen it all
In my life of misery
Dust the apple off savor each bite
And deep inside you know Adam was right
Lust and power, indulgence no fear
Left with his sins how does this end?
We won't be here tomorrow
Hold on to me for one last time
As the prophets shine the light
on whats to come
the crowds did gather
Your time is precious, they explained
No time to worry
Messiah's coming
Don't go to sleep tonight darling hold me in your arms
This could our final days and I can't let go..
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For some reason lately, everywhere I turn I see right now I see couples breaking up.
OR
Someone is crying his/her heart out over some other person that they have feelings for
OR
Some other bloody damned thing thats always, and without fail, being pointed to this one thing that we all call LOVE.
You see, some people when they're in love, they'll overlook some things. Like that maybe someone somewhere might be HURT by their actions. That someone somewhere might be HATING them for what they've done, or will do. And also for the fact that Love, like everything else is in a subjct of duality, meaning that it has two sides.
Love is bliss. And love could hurt. And people tend to overlook the hurt part for their in too deep in their bliss. They'll only realise the hurt part when its far too late. People tend to overlook the fact that SOMEDAY, SOMEHOW, EVERYTHING GOES AWAY FROM YOU.
Don't overlook that fact, but at the same time, don't dwell on it too much. Seriously, your condescending fucks makes me want to laugh and puke at the same time.
For that reason alone, that is exactly the reason why I had never been too attached towards something or someone last time. For I know, someday, I have to let go whether I like it or not.
Girlfriends? Before this, never had any. Best friends? Azhar and Syafiq are the closest to me but the real reason why I decided against opting to be in their class in Sec 3 was so that I could be less relient on them. A prized possession? Nope, never had..
When you learn to let go, you learn to move on. And when you learn to move on, you learn to embrace the pain. Yes, embrace the pain, never endure it. Because if you endure it, one day, it'll be too much to bear and when your defences are totally down, well, lets just say you'll be in one hell of a time. Embrace the pain, make pain your ally.
Perhaps thats the reason why I could move on after what happened last year. Admittedly, I surprised even myself that it didnt feel as bad as I thought it would. I just picked myself back up again and get on with life. So what if I fall? It hurts,? Well, so what. Just get the hell back up again. Every fall is an oppurtunity for you to strengthen yourself. Scared of falling again? Then learn by experience and find out what you did wrong. Life too is a subject of duality, probably the best example of it. For every warmth, there is coldness. For every Love, there will be Hatred. And for every rise, there will be falls.
But what if you thought you had all the answers and one day, suddenly the questions are changed?
Well, for once, that applies to me.
Because well, right now I'm in love.
Realllyyyy, in love.
Blinded? Overlooking things?
Nah, don't think so.
But God help me if I do.
For *she's the best thing that ever happened to me.
=)
As I watch the self-doubts running through my head
I know I'm never contented to be in this state
Feeling my blood rushing, mixed with hate
But in my heart I know, its never too late
I picked myself up and dust the dirt off
Despite these pain I will step forth
to turn my back against this hatred
of anger unreleased and unabated
I walk away despite my ailing
for I will never succumb to Hatred's bidding
I keep on walking, never know what's in store
But I know, Hatred is never my cure
Love is thy cure in eyes of thine
For its something thats truly divine
My love belongs to thy fair dame
but alas, hallowed is thy name
p.s. the last stanza is just a playful use of old enlish words. =)
___~Why do I even bother...
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
5:16 am
You hear, but do you actually listen?
You look, but do you actually see?
You feel, but do you actually perceive?
You think, but do you actually reason?
You dislike, but do you actually hate?
You like, but do you actually love?
Questions, questions and more questions. I'm sure you're sick of them. Its as though just when you find the answers to some questions, some smartass just have to either change the questions or give you more.
But such is the nature of life. So unpredictable, so melodramatic that what you expect to happen so confidently, that there is no percentage of the thing not happening, might not even happen. Life is so fragile that a simple twist of fate might change someone's life drastically.
Love, hate, lust, hope, faith, anger... All of these aspects interwine and one cannot exist without the other. Where there is Love, there will be Hate. Where there is Faith, there will be Infidelity. Where there is Serenity, there will be Anger. It is a matter of you own thinking to sort out the right path for you to take.
And some people ask, "What is Love?" (soalan bonus nie). Well, to say the truth, Love can be defined based on one's experience in it. It totally depends on whether one has been hurt, or saved, by Love. As every aspect of life has its sense if duality, so does Love. And the dark side of love is....Hatred.
The path of hatred is not a path that many would take. But it is a path where I once walked.
To understand both aspects of love, or actually, to understand love itself, one has to walk both sides of it. And one needs to learn not to be consumed by either side.
Long time ago in a galaxy far far away....oppps, sorry, wrong opening.ehehe
Years ago, I fell. Wait, or issit months ago? Ok nevermind, whats important is that I fell. And fell hard. Remember the question, "Have you ever thought you had it all, only to watch your whole life crumbled at your feet a second later?" ? Well, its referring to me at this point of time.
___~Why do I even bother...